A safe man feels more threatening that a toxic one. Here's why.

One of the main reasons why many women keep choosing
unavailable partners or settling for passive men is
that they have never experienced in their bodies what
it feels like to be with a man who is truly present,
grounded and confident.
And when they finally meet one, something unexpected happens…

First, let's be clear about what a safe man actually is:
A man who is present, grounded and secure doesn't mean
he doesn't go through his own struggles. It means that he
assumes them when they arise. Being grounded doesn't mean
he'll never be triggerd. It means he can self-regulate,
introspect and rise without projecting the burden of his
wounds on his woman.

A safer man is like a new adventure. It's both exciting and
unsettling.

A threat to the ego,
A relief for the soul.

Because she's used to something
completely different....

With passive men who simply
go along with what she does, a
woman gradually takes on more
and more. She develops a false
sense of control to cover her
feelings of insecurity. But the
more she takes on, the more
powerless she actually feels.

And the more powerless she feels,
the more control she needs to counteract
this feeling of powerlessness.

It becomes an unstable cycle:
Between powerlessness and power.
Between fear and comfort.
Between feeling at times accepted
but most of the time rejected.

She keeps looking for the good
in someone who continues to hurt
her, which is the harm she is doing
to herself by staying.
All of this gets confused with Love.

So she stays with a man who
doesn't care about her, thinking
that if she does even more, then
maybe she'll finally get the attention
she wants.
But no matter what she does, it's
never enough. No matter what she
stops, she is still too much.
Now she thinks; Maybe if I fix
him, he'll love me.

That's why she can feel
unsettled and out of control
when she meets a man who can
lead and doesn't need fixing.
For the wounded woman,
leadership will make her feel
controlled in a world where she
had to control everything.
It's destabilising because it's
unfamiliar.

A safe man reveals her fear of
giving up the control she had to
put in place to stay safe.

Because there's a difference
between control and leadership:

Control says: You'd better submit
to me or I will be on your back.

Leadership says: It's ok to surrender,
I have your back.

One demands.
The other holds space.

I think it's important to mention that
even if a woman agrees to be led by a man,
she remains the leader of her own life.

In order for her to open up to a safer
relationship, she has to trust that this
safer person can take care of her with
perhaps even more care than she has for
herself.

This isn't about losing yourself.
It's about finally trusting someone
enough to let them in.

I hope you know that a partner who refuses
to speak to you because they are “protecting their peace”,
while not taking accountability, not apologising,
and making you the problem for bringing up a problem,
is demonstrating a very high level of avoidance
and manipulation.

quentin.g.decamp.
Art:Helena-Nelson Reed