On holding space

1) You can hold space for your partner and disagree with them.

Holding space means honoring their emotional reality while still being allowed to have your own perspective.

Avoid telling them their feelings are wrong, too much, or shouldn't exist.

But don't abandon yourself just to keep the peace. You both deserve to be in your power.

2) Men often need space held differently than women.

Many women open up and benefit from emotional validation and presence.

Men benefit from this too, but because society shames men's emotions, sometimes we need gentle guidance and more time - because we may not Always know what we're feeling or what we need.

3) Safety is co-created, and both partners need to participate.

Emotional safety doesn't come from one person doing everything right.

It comes from two people who are both working to stay respectful, regulated, and willing to do their part.

If one person puts "creating all the safety" on the other, that isn't fair to either of you.

4) Woman can (and should) hold space too

Holding space isn't just for men to do for women.

Men also need to feel heard, respected, and given emotional safety to open up.

Both partners deserve empathy.

Both partners deserve understanding.

5) Repair often looks different for men than for women.

Often, men can "reset" faster than women. We are testosterone-based and action-oriented and tend to need less time to process issues.

On the other hand, woman are generally oxytocin-based and value deeper verbal and expressive repair. She likely feels that a conflict isn't fully resolved until her body tells her that it's been completed.

As men, we need to be patient and meet her in what repair means for her.

6) Holding space is not a free pass to attack, shame, or critize your partner.

Emotional expression is healthy. Disrespect is not.

Shaming, belittling, or using emotions as justification to hurt the other person breaks safety instead of creating it. Holding space includes having boundaries.

The most successful type of relationship is one where you make a shared commitment to healing - individually and together.

But in order to truly heal as a couple, you need to be willing to have a dialogue and evolve your understanding, without believing either of you have it all figured out.

It's easier to see an instagram post that paints your partner as the villain and point fingers, rather than pause and ask:

"What role am I playing alongside them?"

Ask each other to sit down, unpack what's happening together, and agree on what it means to move forward as a team - over and over again.

Do your best to:

Get curious rather than accusatory.

Give compassion rather than criticism.

Remind yourself that both of you have a wounded inner child.

Keep doing your own individual work.

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