Most relationships end not because of lack of love,
but because of the presence of attachment. If you
fear the person you love, or love the person you fear,
you are attached to them.

When fear is mixed with love, it's a sign that our
emotional security has become tied to their words,
actions and emotions.

Attachment in the end, is the outsourcing of your
emotional security to someone else. Attachment is
the unhealthy connection where 'how I feel' depends
on 'what you do'. If you don't do what I expect, I
become afraid. I seek to control you, and push you
further away.

A healthy bond or a connection does not come with fear.
Here 'how I feel' depends on 'what I do' and 'are you
happy and safe?'

There is no control or expectation. There is ease,
calmness and peace in experiencing it.

Attachment behaviors seem like loving behaviors.
Constant checking in. Needing reassurance.
Wanting to spend all your time together. Getting
upset when they make plans without you.

But these are hidden controlling behaviors. I control
you so I continue to feel safe.
"I just want to know where you are" sounds like care.
But it's fear. "I need you to tekst me back immediately"
sounds like connection. But it's fear.
"Why do you need space from me?" sounds like love.
But it's fear.

Attachment asks: "Do you still love me? Will you leave me?
Why aren't you responding?"

Love asks:"Are you okay? What do you need? How can I support you?"

One is about managing your fear. The other is about their wellbeing.

The irony is that attachment destroys what you're trying
to protect. The more you cling, the more they pull away.
The more you control, the more they resist. The more you
fear losing them, the more likely you are to lose them.

To let go of attachment, we have to become emotionally
self-reliant. We become self-reliant when we become secure.
We become secure when we understand ourselves deeply.
When we do the things that bring us joy, and when we
pursue our own path and purpose.

Freedom is to realize you don't need to change them to find
your safety. It comes from knowing your own inner demons and
vanquishing them. It comes from processing your trauma and
your unhealed past.

When you stop outsourcing your peace to someone else's behavior,
you become truly free. In that freedom, love begins to flower.

Letting go of attachment does not mean you need to tolerate
bad behavior like disloyalty, ghosting, or any kind of abuse
or violence.

There are expectations for emotional security, and there are
basic expectations which form the foundation of the relationship.

Such as contributing financially, being present, paying for childcare,
staying monogamous. These are not attachment. These are agreements
two people make to build a life together.

A good way to differentiate is to know which would seem natural
even before the relationship began. Those are necessary expectations.
The rest are attachment-expectations.

For example, expecting your partner to be faithful is foundational.
Expecting them to text you every hour to prove they still love you
is attachment.

Expecting them to contribute to shared responsibilities is foundational.
Expecting them to never spend time with friends without you is attachment.

Let go of the latter, and act from intuition in the former. There you'll
find the balance.

findingawareness